Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Connecting the Dots
I walked into a bank lobby. It was one of those old style banks, all marble and sharp echoes. The lobby was crowded with suits and high heels. I moved toward the line but I was blocked by two men, one of whom shouldered me aside. Then my sleeve got hooked on one of the men and I was caught up in their struggle over a black valise.
The man holding it was adamant about not letting go. Then he shouted “BOMB!”
I disentangled myself and walked away calmly as more men converged on the two struggling men. I didn’t panic, I didn’t run, I walked calmly. I was hoping to go unnoticed, not attract attention. It’s that walk all kids know, it’s the I’M-NOT-HERE-YOU-DON’T-SEE-ME walk. Trying to fly under the radar.
Then I heard a voice, in the dream I knew this voice was the boss.
Boss: Kill the witnesses.
Henchmen: How do we know who saw what?
Boss: Then kill them all. Calmly, coldly, the boss ordered our executions.
I was at the door, pushing the large brass doors and walking out into the sidewalk, my heart pounding as I heard the sound of more footsteps. Then the screams began, I didn’t hear gunshots, just the screams.
Then I turned into the next door’s alcove, hesitated before I pushed through that door and found myself at a train station. I pulled my transit card and burst past the turnstile. As I ran down the stairs to the train platform, a thought quickly ran through my head.
“If need be, I can go hide in Special Section, that’s beneath the train platform and requires a pass.”
As I started to wake from the dream another thought floated up with me through the dream.
“What if I can’t get out?”
Then I realized that my fear drove me underground, where I would be stuck if they found me. I had painted myself into a corner.
I woke from the dream at 445am. Not a good feeling.
Last night I caught up with last week’s “Royal Pains” and suddenly one of the characters tells another character, “…hating your job is no way to living your life…” I half-heartedly wondered if the universe was sending me messages through my TV. After all, what gets the most of my attention? The universe knows.
Then tonight, I caught up with “Rubicon” a strange little series about CIA analyst and their quirky job. It’s part Conspiracy Theory and as exciting as a chess game. But I watch it anyways. I was multi-tasking when suddenly a scene caught my ears and I was jolted.
Analyst: “Are you setting me up to fail?”
Boss: “There are two types of fear. There’s the type that makes us work harder, that drives us: we dig deeper. There’s the kind that makes my heart come up in my throat and make me – at the cost of my sanity, look for answers… That’s the good fear. The bad fear is the kind that makes us stop working, paralyzes us; makes us stay in bed all day and hide. Bad fear doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you shouldn’t be working here”
Then the lightning struck me; the title of the episode was “Connect The Dots”
I connected the dots. I have to climb out of hiding - climb out of the dark tunnel I ran into and face my fears.