Saturday, March 21, 2015
I'm having another midnight moment.
This time last week, I was also awake. But it was for a dark, deep reason. Several things that were out of my control have happened in the last year and the minute they happened, my body reacted with pain. Whether it was the queasy stomach or the headaches, but something made me feel very uneasy.
But with most uneasiness, especially something that can’t be pinpointed; I have a tendency to rationalize it away. I dismiss them as worries that I was bringing upon myself. Then something else happened just before Christmas that I knew made me feel very uncertain, but denial is a strong pull and again, I dismissed it, buried it deep in my subconscious.
They say that as ‘modern society’ we have forgotten that distinct flight or fight instinct set to keep us alive. But since we don’t have to hunt for our food, or fight our enemies to the death, our instincts instead become stress.
Intellectually I knew what was the cause of my distress, I just ignored it until the internal conflicts led to a diminished immune system, distressing bouts of insomnia and the disturbing dreams that left me lost and wandering. I felt soul sick. I doubted myself, I found myself restless and worse; I found myself bored. In the past, boredom has been my worst enemy. It leads to a subtle disengagement and in youth, into very dangerous territory.
Once, I found a great distraction that re-lit the fire of ambition and self-determination. But in the end, it was just that, a distraction, nothing more than a sop for my psychic lethargy.
Finally, things came to a head last week and I was forced into a deep soul searching dive. I looked for portends and signs. I talked with friends and introduced myself to friends of friends, searching for answers, directions and perspective.
And all that I needed came. My questions were answered. I finally admitted to myself that I was going in the wrong direction. I was on the road to my person hell, a place I have visited before and I did not want to visit again. Because you can only go to hell so many times before you decide to surrender to the flames and die.
If I can give an inspiring speech, dispensing my faith and optimism to someone else, why could I not take the same advice for myself? Did I not have faith in myself? Was I a hypocrite or was I going to practice what I preach?
My head and heart still discussed and over analyzed as they often do. But this time they were in agreement. So this past Monday, I did not quit. No, I gave in to the greatest ambition in life, to pursue happiness and peace. And in tendering my resignation to the corporation that gave me a pay check for twelve and a half years, I took that leap of faith.
I knew that until I took that leap over the cliff, I will never know how strong my wings truly are.
I love a nice road trip; I get into all kinds of great adventures. This time, it’s the adventure of my life. In these dark midnight moments, I am frightened of what I have done and the fear will increase when the day I finally walk out of those doors permanently.
I have been operating under fear for years but I won’t bend to it anymore. I will take that leap of faith. I will find my personal truths. I won’t be driven by fear nor tempted by complacency.
I have been several times blessed, kissed by the universe, to understand that I stand at a crossroad of my life. In acknowledging that, I find clarity. And in a life full of wandering and musings, clarity is a precious gift.
One more week of employment, one more paycheck and then I’m left to my own devices. To find a new path, because I believe with my whole heart and soul, it has never been about the money, it has always been about my soul.