Crush

It's been several very longs weeks. I guess I'm reacting to sleep deprivation, bad nutrition and overall carelessness. So when I'm tired, needing sleep, pushing myself too hard, what's my ultimate reaction? I get cranky. So I've been doing a little soul searching. I'm usually a very positive person, great outlook in life, because that's how it should be. Expect the clouds and be delighted that you are right because it rained is self defeating. But at the same time, don't expect the sun to shine EVERY day, it isn't going to happen. I seek equilibrium. So I accept that I have my good days and I'll have my bad days. I'm having a bad day, I should go to sleep, instead I indulge in a pity party. I'll write this up, post it and feel chagrined in the morning. So be it, I KNOW me, if I self-flagellate sometimes, trust me, the pain is temporary. Sometimes you bang your head on the wall because you KNOW, it will feel so good when you've stopped.

A crush is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Very rarely does it ever work out. Instead, someone pours their affection and expectation on someone else and when the expectation isn’t met and the affection isn’t returned, there is hurt.

I guess I should feel lucky that my crush will be forever distant, untouchable and completely unattainable. What expectation of reciprocation will never be met; therefore no expectation will ever be required.

Sometimes, you’re just that poor slob in the crowd, wearing his heart on out his sleeve, waving a poster that says. “I Speak Klingon” and they will never pick you, they will never talk to you and you will never be acknowledged. Your diligence in learning to speak a fictional language will never be praised, because none of your friends speak Klingon. You are the only one.

I’ve had a crush on someone actually attainable. Ended horribly, I’d rather not talk about it, except to say that a crush is just something that needs to be nipped in the bud. Because one of three things inevitably happens when you have a crush; either the other person reciprocates (yeah, start dating), the other person is revolted or the other person takes advantage of you.

You hope you don’t get the revulsion. But it’s actually, of the three, the least painful in the long run. The pain of instantaneous rejection is painful, but like a jab of the needle, mercifully quick, just don’t pick at the scab.

If you are taken advantage of, you are led on a gilded leash, providing your object of affection all the attention and care they want. You make yourself their willing patsy.

If there is some interest and you date for a while, you find out she’s not the one for you because she’s really a shallow misanthrope with delusions of grandeur reminding you of a line from a Michael Penn song, “What makes you think that just cause you dress bright means that you shine?” .

If it’s reciprocated and you end up living happily ever after, it wasn’t a crush, it was true love.

It’s called a crush because your heart is crushed.

There is no happy ending for a crush, just the slights of unintended arrows.