Crossroads

I'm having another midnight moment.

This time last week, I was also awake. But it was for a dark, deep reason. Several things that were out of my control have happened in the last year and the minute they happened, my body reacted with pain. Whether it was the queasy stomach or the headaches, but something made me feel very uneasy.

But with most uneasiness, especially something that can’t be pinpointed; I have a tendency to rationalize it away. I dismiss them as worries that I was bringing upon myself. Then something else happened just before Christmas that I knew made me feel very uncertain, but denial is a strong pull and again, I dismissed it, buried it deep in my subconscious.

They say that as ‘modern society’ we have forgotten that distinct flight or fight instinct set to keep us alive. But since we don’t have to hunt for our food, or fight our enemies to the death, our instincts instead become stress.

Intellectually I knew what was the cause of my distress, I just ignored it until the internal conflicts led to a diminished immune system, distressing bouts of insomnia and the disturbing dreams that left me lost and wandering. I felt soul sick. I doubted myself, I found myself restless and worse; I found myself bored. In the past, boredom has been my worst enemy. It leads to a subtle disengagement and in youth, into very dangerous territory.

Once, I found a great distraction that re-lit the fire of ambition and self-determination. But in the end, it was just that, a distraction, nothing more than a sop for my psychic lethargy.

Finally, things came to a head last week and I was forced into a deep soul searching dive. I looked for portends and signs. I talked with friends and introduced myself to friends of friends, searching for answers, directions and perspective.

And all that I needed came. My questions were answered. I finally admitted to myself that I was going in the wrong direction. I was on the road to my person hell, a place I have visited before and I did not want to visit again. Because you can only go to hell so many times before you decide to surrender to the flames and die.

If I can give an inspiring speech, dispensing my faith and optimism to someone else, why could I not take the same advice for myself? Did I not have faith in myself? Was I a hypocrite or was I going to practice what I preach?

My head and heart still discussed and over analyzed as they often do. But this time they were in agreement. So this past Monday, I did not quit. No, I gave in to the greatest ambition in life, to pursue happiness and peace. And in tendering my resignation to the corporation that gave me a pay check for twelve and a half years, I took that leap of faith.

I knew that until I took that leap over the cliff, I will never know how strong my wings truly are.

I love a nice road trip; I get into all kinds of great adventures. This time, it’s the adventure of my life. In these dark midnight moments, I am frightened of what I have done and the fear will increase when the day I finally walk out of those doors permanently.

I have been operating under fear for years but I won’t bend to it anymore. I will take that leap of faith. I will find my personal truths. I won’t be driven by fear nor tempted by complacency.

I have been several times blessed, kissed by the universe, to understand that I stand at a crossroad of my life.  In acknowledging that, I find clarity. And in a life full of wandering and musings, clarity is a precious gift.

One more week of employment, one more paycheck and then I’m left to my own devices. To find a new path, because I believe with my whole heart and soul, it has never been about the money, it has always been about my soul.

Connecting the Dots

Monday night I had a dark dream.

I walked into a bank lobby. It was one of those old style banks, all marble and sharp echoes. The lobby was crowded with suits and high heels. I moved toward the line but I was blocked by two men, one of whom shouldered me aside. Then my sleeve got hooked on one of the men and I was caught up in their struggle over a black valise.

The man holding it was adamant about not letting go. Then he shouted “BOMB!”

I disentangled myself and walked away calmly as more men converged on the two struggling men. I didn’t panic, I didn’t run, I walked calmly. I was hoping to go unnoticed, not attract attention. It’s that walk all kids know, it’s the I’M-NOT-HERE-YOU-DON’T-SEE-ME walk. Trying to fly under the radar.

Then I heard a voice, in the dream I knew this voice was the boss.

Boss: Kill the witnesses.

Henchmen: How do we know who saw what?

Boss: Then kill them all. Calmly, coldly, the boss ordered our executions.

I was at the door, pushing the large brass doors and walking out into the sidewalk, my heart pounding as I heard the sound of more footsteps. Then the screams began, I didn’t hear gunshots, just the screams.

Then I turned into the next door’s alcove, hesitated before I pushed through that door and found myself at a train station. I pulled my transit card and burst past the turnstile. As I ran down the stairs to the train platform, a thought quickly ran through my head.

“If need be, I can go hide in Special Section, that’s beneath the train platform and requires a pass.”

As I started to wake from the dream another thought floated up with me through the dream.

“What if I can’t get out?”

Then I realized that my fear drove me underground, where I would be stuck if they found me. I  had painted myself into a corner.

I woke from the dream at 445am. Not a good feeling.

Last night I caught up with last week’s “Royal Pains” and suddenly one of the characters tells another character, “…hating your job is no way to living your life…” I half-heartedly wondered if the universe was sending me messages through my TV. After all, what gets the most of my attention? The universe knows.

Then tonight, I caught up with “Rubicon” a strange little series about CIA analyst and their quirky job. It’s part Conspiracy Theory and as exciting as a chess game. But I watch it anyways. I was multi-tasking when suddenly a scene caught my ears and I was jolted.

Analyst: “Are you setting me up to fail?”

Boss: “There are two types of fear. There’s the type that makes us work harder, that drives us: we dig deeper. There’s the kind that makes my heart come up in my throat and make me – at the cost of my sanity, look for answers… That’s the good fear. The bad fear is the kind that makes us stop working, paralyzes us; makes us stay in bed all day and hide. Bad fear doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you shouldn’t be working here”

 Then the lightning struck me; the title of the episode was “Connect The Dots”

I connected the dots. I have to climb out of hiding - climb out of the dark tunnel I ran into and face my fears.