Sometimes I get these gut reactions to which I respond with a knee jerk. You hear people tell you all the time, “…you gotta trust that gut…” “…follow your gut…” etc.
I have excellent instincts that always get overridden by my head.
When I have followed my instincts and stuck with my initial reaction, followed through and believed with all my heart and can talk my mind into going along, I get exactly what I need.
Instead, as the years have passed, I’ve looked back and seen the dead dreams sprinkled in my footsteps, I have stopped running, daring, stopped dreaming. I’ve learnt by sad experience to be cautious, suspicious, insular and isolated.
I’ve second guessed myself so many times. That something as inconsequential as mistaking someone’s identity, can shake me by casting such a spotlight on my decision making, makes me doubt that my life will be anything more than it is; alone.
I cast my smile to the world, I am the comic relief, I bear the brunt of snide remarks, patronizing tolerance and call them friends.
But the heart is a fragile thing, it shatters so easily. It can heal; time always heals, as long as you let it. It’s the careful caresses to the heart that will smooth the sharp cracks that each heart break etches into it. But you must care for the heart and ease its burden.
The first step is forgiveness; forgive the heart for its careless whimsy, its incautious leaps into dark and deep waters, its constant attraction to risk.
I’m tired of hiding in the dark, hording my love, s
For no one will read this and no one will care.
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